Wednesday, May 14, 2008

In The Penal Colony

Last night, BBC Northern Ireland exceeded its usual banal standards and served up a programme entitled 'NI WAGs'.

Narrated by a worryingly over-enthusiastic Christine Bleakley, we were presented with Northern Ireland’s WAGs. WAG is shorthand for Wives And Girlfriends and is a term normally attributed to the android-like empty-heads wedded to premier league footballers. In the Northern Irish sphere, I wasn’t quite sure who these WAGs were associated with, although a couple of lump-faced dopes in fashionable clothes were paraded across the screen to stamp these twittering fools with some sort of questionable credibility.

This peek at the aristocracy of emptiness was delivered without irony and with the apparent aim of showing just how transformed, glam and cosmopolitan the Wee Province has become. I found myself wishing the war would come back as one vapid empty vessel after another squeaked about the importance of hair or style as they shopped on the Lisburn Road, which was laughably described as both “Millionaire’s Mile,” and “Northern Ireland’s Bond Street.” Who were they trying to kid?

“I’ve got shoes in Hollywood and shoes in Dublin,” gushed one of the WAGs in a chiding mill voice.

“A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do,” cheeped another rather ordinary-looking twit. Referring to an associate, she continued, “Lisa has everything. She’s totally high maintenance!”

The camera crew, obviously burdened with more money than sense, followed the faux creatures on a shopping trip to Las Vegas and back to a dull looking awards ceremony at Belfast’s Café Vaudeville. Here was the pinnacle of local WAG life.

“Anyone who’s anyone in Northern Ireland is here tonight,” gasped the breathless Christine Bleakley as the camera roved over a parade of dressed-up nobodies.

I was reminded of Kafka’s In the Penal Colony where criminals are assaulted by a horrendous torture machine that carves the names of their crimes and sentences onto their backs. I feel that such a device should be permanently installed in Café Vaudeville, with the WAGs the first to be thrown onto it, followed by the production team at Waddell Media, who birthed this vile programme, and the shallow dolts at BBC Northern Ireland, who think this kind of nonsense passes for good TV.


Rickstar said...

I have to agree with the standard of Northern Ireland TV it is so shockingly bad we would be a laughing stock of the whole uk if anyone were to watch this tripe.

You have the celebnobody's in NI wags who footballers are part time postmen etc and the you have another shockingly bad programme about a a dog trainer.

BBC NI isnt the only culprit you have the famous Julian Simmons who is a part time poofter when corrie is on and then you have the franklessly untalented Frank Mitchell who presents the weather, that terrible programme school around the corner which was only shown to help old biddy's show off there grand children. Frank Mitchell also presents the a radio show what is going to happen to these people when they retire will we finally have gd tv then. Unfortunatley not we have Christine Bleakley coming through the ranks to entertain us.

I have to also think about what these producers and directors are thinking about when airing these programmes.

I have to sign off before I lose my temper but for goddness sake NI Wags seriously, they were all dog rough and talked so much sh**e and thinkin they are someone ud probably see them waiting tables in KFC or if there upper class working in the make-up department in Debenhams saving up for there holiday to what they would say "Tenerify" My turds would get more attention than these tv programmes

The Great Wee Azoo said...

Calm down. And stop calling Julian a "poofter." We don't like that kind of language around here.

Anonymous said...

Well Written and hit's the nail on the head. Waddell Media is built on this kind of cheap crap. The BBC Needs to fill a gap and Waddell's can use there creative void of a production team to regurgitate a mindless Idea from their vaults and throw it together with the cheapest of talent. I think their cleaner does the scripting. The BBC fills the gap, Waddell media add to their stash and the NI TV industry puts itself back another 10 years. We need to get out of this Norn Iron mentality and weed out all the dated crap that we produce and start to make this place less of a laughing stock. We are not Brazil, sadly. Waddells are milking the cash cow and we are sitting watching it take a shit.